You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
Life is so much better after having sex.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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