i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
