I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Why did my mother make you get naked?
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
Randomize
