you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
Somebodaw call 311 postw fire bunso on vietena floorwnkd
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
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