He disabled his match.com account in front of me
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
Randomize
