We named our party play list daddy issues
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
Randomize
