After he finished I threw up my arms and shouted STEVE HOLT!
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
