his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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