How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
