Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
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