life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
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