There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
