This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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