It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Randomize
