i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
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