Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
Randomize
