I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
