he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
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