don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
Randomize
