Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
Randomize
