I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
Randomize
