Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
so much tequila, so little girl.
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
