I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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