DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
I CAN MOONWALK!
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
Randomize
