I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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