I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
Randomize
