I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
