420 ftw
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
Randomize
