I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
