i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Randomize
