Do you still have your period?
I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
