Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
