Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
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