Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
He gave me a hug and said "He doesn't deserve you, Anna. Your boobs are great, and I'd fuck you anytime. Any. Place." I need a new 'gay' friend.
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
Randomize
