Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
Randomize
