she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
Randomize
