I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
Randomize
