I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
Randomize
