I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
