no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
