i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Randomize
