I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
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