it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
Randomize
