God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
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