she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
She solidified the fact that the icon from Wendy's is the only ginger I care for
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
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