What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Randomize
