Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
the gays at disneyland are vicious
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
Randomize
