i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Randomize
