my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
Randomize
