Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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