so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
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