I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
Randomize
