We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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