You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
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