my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
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