I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
Randomize
