I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
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