Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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